lilly0 (lilly0) wrote in yume_to_ame,

Me without you Chapter 16 (Junba, Sakumiya)

Title: Me without you 16/20
Pairing: Junba, Sakumiya, Ohno/?, others possible
Rating: up to R
Genre: AU, romance
Plot: Although they are both young students at college, both the youngest brothers within three, and both part of high society, there are worlds between Jun and Masaki. Jun comes from a rich, traditional and conservative family, while Masaki's family gained wealth and fame by luck. Masaki is cheerful and enjoys life to the fullest. Jun is unusually earnest and distanced. Although part of the same glamorous world, their paths would have never crossed, they would have never even talked, but then Masaki's brothers decide he needs to catch up with his studies, and hire Jun as his tutor. With being so different it seems they will never get closer, until they realize that they both hold a sad secret.
Note: This is dedicated to yukitsubute. I had (and still have) a lot of fun writing this, and I wonder where it takes me to. I can promise you some fluff, some fun and some drama (the usual ^^) There might even be some hurt & comfort.

“You know, I’m thinking about getting a dog,” Shingo muses.

“Hm,” Takuya makes, not even looking up from his coffee and his newspaper.

Shingo frowns. “You aren’t listening, are you?”

Much to his surprise Takuya just chuckles. “You have been talking about getting a dog since weeks now. If you want one so badly, why won’t you get one?”

“Because…” Shino blushes. “I… well… I’m not sure about the future.”

“The future?” Takuya blinks.

“You know… I mean, what if…” Shingo tilts his head, not sure how to continue. Bluntly said he is afraid Takuya is going to throw his piece of cake against his head and his cup of coffee if he says the following. Hence he decides to sugar-coat the issue that lies on his mind. “Do you like dogs?”

Takuya looks at him in confusion. Gladly he doesn’t throw his cake at Shingo yet. “If I like dogs? Yes, I do.”

“So, you aren’t allergic to them either?”


“And, why don’t you have one?” Shingo continues.

“I’ve never thought of it,” Takuya admits. “But Jun was still at school a year ago, and my main responsibility was to look after him and Sho. But now…”

“But now?” Shingo asks curiously.

“Sho manages his life well. And Jun…” Takuya frowns. “He did quite well the last months. He isn’t as serious and stoic anymore. However two weeks ago Sho and I found this letter in our father’s old possessions. And, well, I already told you he hid all of the memories of Jun’s mother.”

“Yes,” Shingo says quietly. “Evil. How is Jun dealing with it?”

“I’m not sure. He didn’t seem to be really surprised that our father hid his mother’s personal possessions. But sometimes there is something really sad and heavy in his eyes, and I don’t know what it is.”

“I hope he can get over it,” Shingo says, thinking about Masaki for a while. It was a few days ago when Masaki came home, looking worried, but refused to talk to him. He wonders if he had a fight with Jun, but Masaki is no one to actually hold up a fight. They would have made up already if they fought. “Masaki is acting weird too recently.”

“Sometimes I want to ask what’s going,” Takuya admits. “But then I’m afraid of it. I’m scared Jun will close up completely if I ask too many questions. Pretty pathetic, huh?”

“If you are pathetic, what about me?” Shingo snorts. “I don’t dare to ask Masaki too many questions either.”

Takuya looks at him for a long while, eyebrows furrowed slightly. “Why don’t you get this dog you are talking about? For real now?”

Shingo blushes, surprised that Takuya picked up the topic again and didn’t forget his weird questions. “I only want to get a dog if you are okay with it,” he finally admits honestly.

Much to his surprise Takuya doesn’t throw anything at his head, but instead looks at Shingo for a long while. “I don’t like small dogs,” he just states.

Shingo’s heart makes a little tentative jump. “So, a bigger dog!” he states happily.

His heart fills with resolve all of a sudden. Why is he even scared of talking with his little brother about his problems? He should just approach Masaki and see what’s bothering him, just like he always does it. He nods to himself. “I’ll try not to be scared of Masaki’s reactions anymore,” he says non-chalantly.

Takuya seems to be surprised by the sudden change of topic, but then he nods. “I’ll try to gain Jun’s trust too,” he says, smiling when Shingo nods firmly at his words.


Masaki is scared to say the least. Jun hasn’t told him anything that night and he hasn’t talked much to him in general for the last days. He is scared that Jun is going to go back into his shell after Masaki realized what it is that bothers him. And the worst part is that he can’t talk to anyone about this, he can’t just go and ask for advice. His heart clenches when he thinks of Jun and of what happened to him, and the look in his eyes when Masaki touched him. Masaki knows it's not his fault and he shouldn't feel bad, but for triggering these memories inside of Jun he feels bad. How can someone even force himself on another person? Poor Jun, no surprise he was avoiding any social contact and didn’t open up to other people.

“What’s wrong with you, loverboy,” Shingo teases when he meets Masaki in the kitchen around lunch. “Had a fight with your pretty boyfriend.” He winks but when he looks at Masaki directly, he gets all seriously. “What happened?” he asks, not joking anymore.

Masaki sighs into his coffee. “I can’t tell you. I wish I could, but I can’t.”

“Hm,” Shingo makes and sits down on the other side of the little bar they have in their kitchen. “It’s about Jun-kun, I assume. And his family.”

Masaki looks up in surprise. “What do you know?”

“I can’t tell you,” Shingo points out. “I have my connections too, but the stories might not be the same for each of them. Besides, it’s for you to find out, it won’t help you if I tell you what Takuya told me.”

“He told you something?” Masaki asks in surprise. Does this mean he can make Jun open up to him too? When Shingo nods, he is up his feet immediately. “Okay, I can’t let him slip beneath my fingers. He has just opened up to me, I don’t want him to close himself up again. I-“ I don’t want to lose him.

“Masaki,” Shingo says softly. “This kid loves you. You already made him change so much. Don’t let him run away from you now, don’t be scared. If you won’t do anything he might run for real, but if you find your courage again, as you always do, you will be able to make him open up.”

Masaki nods tentatively. “I won’t lose him without fighting for him,” he says after a while.

“You won’t lose him,” Shingo says warmly. “He needs you. More than anyone else. He just can’t deal with his feelings. He is not Takuya. Takuya is a grown-up, he has learned to face things differently. Jun still needs to learn it. And he needs you to help him with it.”

Masaki’s heart suddenly beats in a more steady rhythm again. Yes, Shingo is right. He was acting like an idiot. He should have gotten on Jun’s nerves right the next day. Something in his ears rings, and suddenly he remembers something Satoshi told him a while ago. Making someone open up to you, means opening up to this person too.


Jun doesn’t know how long he has been looking down at the envelop in his hands. He has opened it, read it, read all the documents, he went to the bank and got all of his mother’s belongings. Within all the stuff there was a letter addressed to him, from his mother. He couldn’t bring himself to read it yet. He is just so freaking weak.

He thought he could just let himself fall into Masaki’s arms and forget everything, forget how awfully filthy he feels.

“Hey, little brother,” Takuya smiles when he sits down at the kitchen table as well. He has brought two pieces of cake along, lactose-free, offering one of them to Jun. Jun hides the letter in his pocket and politely accepts the cake, but has no intention at all to eat it. He is not hungry. “What’s wrong? You look down.”

“I’m alright,” Jun lies.

“Still the old story,” Takuya says. “You are pretty easy to look through, you know? It’s obvious something is bothering you.”

Jun feels a twinge in his chest, a feeling he has a lot lately. It’s like he always lies but can’t do anything about it. Like, what is he supposed to say to his brothers? What if they find out? They will probably hate him for what happened, because why shouldn’t they? Their relationship just got better, he doesn’t want to destroy it again by letting them find out what happened.

“Now you are looking even more bothered,” Takuya says all of a sudden, reaching out his hand to touch Jun’s arm. Jun is about to pull his hand away in a reflex, but manages to calm his nerves down. “I don’t know what demons are bothering you,” Takuya says. “But don’t let them destroy you. If you let them destroy you, you will let them win.”

Jun looks up in surprise. “What… I mean, yes, but…”

“Sho and I don’t talk much about it, but our father used to beat us up. I don’t know how it was with Sho, but I for one spent quite some time in hospital. No one would ever do something against him though, because he was rich and had a name.” Takuya rubs over his head. “You know, Shingo is persistent,” he says, much to Jun’s surprise shifting the topic now. “He is not letting go, although I tell him to. I’ve explained it to him that I don’t want to be in a steady relationship because I’m afraid I might just turn into my father. It’s statistically proven that kids from abusive parents either end up in abusive relationships themselves or become abusive.”

“You are not like that asshole!” Jun suddenly blurts out, because seriously how can Takuya even compare himself to their father. “What are you even thinking!? You are nothing alike!”

Takuya chuckles. “Now that you defended me, couldn’t you also defend yourself?”

Jun blinks. “I…what?”

“Let’s say I or Sho were in your shoes, would you think of us the same way as you do now of yourself?”

Jun shakes his head, his stomach clenching slightly. He would never think low of his brothers or those he loves, especially for something that’s not their fault. He swallows, suddenly realizing where Takuya was going with his talk. He doesn’t even know what it is bothering him, but still he managed to make him change his point of view for a moment. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”

“You are,” Takuya urges. “Try to learn not to be dependable of others when it’s about your self-worth. You need to start liking the person looking back at you in the mirror.”

“How do you know,” Jun asks in a blank voice. “That I don’t like myself much.”

“Why do you think I know it?” Takuya asks back.

Yes, Jun thinks, of course. It runs in the family, it seems. “I don’t know how to face it,” he says, “I don’t know how to face Masaki. He will want to know the truth, because… well… something happened to make him see part of it. And I can’t even tell you or Sho, how should I even tell him? How can I forget? I just want to erase it.”

“It’s natural that you want to erase it,” Takuya says softly. “But you can’t. Sho and I have recently realized that we made a mistake with burying our past and never facing it. It’s a part of you, you can hate it and be mad at it, but don’t try to bury it, because you’ll only end up burying yourself then.” Jun feels tears prickling in his eyes. Takuya reaches out his hand to brush over his hair. “You are wonderful,” he says. “Don’t push Masaki away just because you are scared. He doesn’t deserve that, does he?”

Jun shakes his head. “He doesn’t deserve it,” he says quietly, his heart clenching at how he pushed Masaki away during the last day. He was nothing but kind and understanding when the incident happened in the bath. He didn’t deserve to be shoved aside.

Jun thinks of the envelope in his pocket. The letter he hasn’t read yet. He needs to do some thinking, fast, and then try to face the past just like Takuya told him to.

He spends the next hours thinking, but it’s only the next day at his class when he sits in front of an exam and doesn’t even write a word down that he finally has an idea. He smiles slightly when he thinks of it. It’s not running away – just because he leaves it doesn’t mean he is running away, right? He gets up without even handing in his paper and leaves the room, ready to set preparations. His eyes widen though when he sees who is waiting for him in front of his classroom. “Masaki-kun?”

Masaki takes a step closer. He should be mad, Jun thinks, but he is only looking at him through these warm brown eyes of his that speak more than words can. “I let you down,” Jun admits quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I let you down! I didn’t want to get on your nerves,” Masaki admits. “I should have dropped by at your place the next day already.” He takes another step forward, taking Jun’s arm and pulling him away from campus. They don’t talk, and it’s only at a quiet corner in the park that Masaki let’s go. He turns to look at Jun insistently.  “Don’t do anything funny without me.”

Jun’s eyes go wide. “What?”

“You are planning to do something,” Masaki says. “I know it. When you suddenly wrote me yesterday and apologized for being dramatic, I knew you were up to something. Don’t do it without me!”

“Masaki,” Jun says softly. “I don’t want to drag you into my problems. I want to solve my shit, and once I did, I promise I’ll come and-“

“My father had an affair,” Masaki interrupts him.

Jun blinks in surprise. “What?”

“I’m the child from that affair. My mother didn’t want me, but  my father convinced her to get me, then he took me in. The woman that raised me, Shingo’s and Satoshi’s mother, hated me. She is the one that always told me that I’m worth nothing, that without my father’s money I’m just nothing, that I’m stupid, and…” His voice trails off, and Jun is honestly shocked at that revelation. “Don’t do anything without me,” Masaki begs.

Jun understands, finally, that Masaki isn’t judging him, never did and never would. Just like he would never judge Masaki. And that Masaki  needs him just like Jun needs Masaki. They need each other. “Tomorrow,” Jun says and smiles in surprise when Masaki hugs him. “6AM. I’ll message you the details.”

Masaki nods, relief for not being pushed away written all over his face and Jun knows it was the right decision to involve him. He presses a kiss against Jun’s temples. “I love you, Jun. I’ll be there.”

Jun smiles agains his neck. "I love you too, Masaki)

A/N: Okay, a lot actually happened, didn't it? And we finally know something about Masaki! He wanted Jun to trust him so badly that he shoved his own insecurites aside and just directly told him what happened to him.
At this point I need to tell you guys, that of course, yes, I'll go into more detail of what happened. I don't want to leave it in the dark (I won't write anything too graphic, don't worry!) but they will talk eventually and reveal what happened to them, and for that I figured I should voice a trigger-warning to all the readers of this story. Just to be safe! As I said, I won't get too graphic and I won't even use flashbacks or anything, but Masaki and Jun will both get the chance to reveal their past.

Takuya and Shingo are really lovely older brothers, aren't they? I'm so proud of Takuya for having changed so much :D

Now Masaki and Jun seem to plan something?

Tags: genre: au, genre: college, genre: high society, genre: hurt&comfort, genre: romance, l: multi-chapter, p: aiba masaki/matsumoto jun, p: ninomiya kazunari/sakurai sho, r: r, series: me without you
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