lilly0 (lilly0) wrote in yume_to_ame,

Me without you: Chapter 18

Title: Me without you 18/20
Pairing: Junba, Sakumiya, Ohno/?, others possible
Rating: up to R
Genre: AU, romance
Plot: Although they are both young students at college, both the youngest brothers within three, and both part of high society, there are worlds between Jun and Masaki. Jun comes from a rich, traditional and conservative family, while Masaki's family gained wealth and fame by luck. Masaki is cheerful and enjoys life to the fullest. Jun is unusually earnest and distanced. Although part of the same glamorous world, their paths would have never crossed, they would have never even talked, but then Masaki's brothers decide he needs to catch up with his studies, and hire Jun as his tutor. With being so different it seems they will never get closer, until they realize that they both hold a sad secret.
Note: This is dedicated to yukitsubute. I had (and still have) a lot of fun writing this, and I wonder where it takes me to. I can promise you some fluff, some fun and some drama (the usual ^^) There might even be some hurt & comfort.

Jun talks to the young nun at the counter for quite a while. For a few minutes the young woman looks confused then she goes and when she comes back an older one is accompanying her. The older nun listens to Jun, looks at the photography in his hand, then her eyes widen. A sudden smile spreads on her lips and she comes forward to hug Jun.

Jun waves at him. “Come, Masaki-kun,” he says with a smile. “We can stay here.”

Masaki nods meekly, feeling completely intimidated by the many women, dressed in black and white. “How come you know so many nuns,” he whispers. “Are you catholic?”

Jun laughs. “No,” he says. “But I spent a very short time of my life here.”

“Really?” Masaki blinks. Jun hasn’t told him yet why he chose this place here. He just explained to him what he wanted to do here, and that it’s a place he connects with his mother. “Your mother was here, right?”

“Yes, when she fled from my father,” Jun admits. “She came here, pretty much at the end of her strength. There is a psychiatric clinic, a sanatorium, attached to this convent,” he continues. “And she got treated there, and would sleep here. They were always very kind to us. Probably they knew she was on the run.” He smiles. “There is a bath here, a huge one. It’s a sanatorium too here, people from all places visit this village to relax and free their minds from their problems,” he tells Masaki. “The nun I was talking to, the older one, was the one that befriended my mother.” He shows Masaki one of the photos he took along, revealing a couple shot of a young woman, looking like Jun, and a younger version of said nun. “I’m thankful that at least at this place here my mother was able to have some peace.”

Masaki lets Jun talk, only listening and nodding, and sometimes he secretly takes his hand. There is nothing much to say anyway, and by the way Jun looks at him thankfully, he knows he is doing it right. “When you don’t want to hear it,” Jun says quietly. “Tell me.”

“Shut up,” Masaki grumbles. “I want to hear it. I want to hear everything you want to tell me.”

“What if it gets too much for you? And you will want to run?”

“I won’t.” Masaki says death-seriously. Jun seems to believe him because there is sudden relief sparkling in his eyes. He is at the end of his story for today anyway, probably he doesn’t want to talk about it all at once. Hence Masaki takes a deep breath. His turn it seems. “My mother, or the woman I called like that, would never hit me, you know? She wouldn’t directly abuse me, but she would do other things.”

Jun puts their bags into their room and takes two towels out of the wardrobe. “Like what?” he asks with concern in his voice.

“She would tell me daily how useless I am, how I am nothing, how I’m just a bastard. I didn’t even understand half of the things she said. I could never tell anyone,” Masaki mumbles. “Because she loved Shingo and Satoshi so much and was so kind to them. How could I… I mean…”

“I know,” Jun says quietly and takes Masaki’s hand. “I know.” He squeezes it encouragingly, and Masaki nods. Of course Jun understands.

“You know, I had a little cat once. A kitten. My father gave it to me as a present. She killed it.”

Jun looks at him in sincere horror. It seems like he wants to say something, probably something angry against his mother, but he seems to hold it back and Masaki is eternally thankful for that. “How could she do that?” Jun says with a hoarse voice. “I mean, it’s not your fault that your mother gave birth to you and your father took you in. Killing an innocent creature on top of that.”

“She was losing it,” Masaki says.

Jun shakes his head. “Don’t defend her,” he says. “Stop defending her. If you continue to make excuse for her, it’ll ruin you. You can say it openly how horrible she was.”

Masaki blinks in surprise at these words, swallowing nervously. “She was horrible,” he admits all of a sudden. “The worst. I wished I would have been alone at that time, I would have rather lived on the street than with this woman.” Jun nods encouragingly. “I hated her,” Masaki admits quietly, feeling weirdly relieved for being allowed to show his emotions so openly, to say what he feels. He has kept it bottled inside him for so long. To be able to talk to it, to have someone to talk to, it makes him feel almost free. “I still hate her.”

“You like stray cats,” Jun says all of a sudden.

Masaki nods meekly. He hasn’t noticed himself how it was his mother’s mental and emotional abuse and her killing his pet that made him look for human versions of stray cats. “I grew up like this,” he finally says. “No one ever wanted me,” he admits tiredly.

Jun turns around, a frown gracing his pretty face. His fingers grab Masaki’s face to make him look at him. “Satoshi-kun and Shingo-kun want you!” he says with emphasis. “They love you and everything you are. Nino wants you, and Kazama-kun and Kame-kun. Even Ryo-kun wants you. And I want you too. I probably want you the most.”

Masaki smiles slightly, squeezing Jun’s hands. “Yes, I know that, but sometimes it’s difficult to believe it. I’ll repeat it as often as necessary for me to finally believe it.”

The bath is warm, and it looks stunning. It’s nothing Masaki had expected. It’s huge, in a separated area, out of beautiful marble. The ground of it is out of stones, so that it won’t be too slippery. It’s like someone brought nature’s beauty into this place. They lock the bath carefully so that no one can surprise them and then suddenly Jun is in Masaki’s arms. Masaki moves his nose softly over Jun’s cheek and neck, barely touching him. He smells so nice. He wonders if he has ever actually felt so close to another person. If he has ever wanted someone so much. He smiles. The answer is no, he has never felt that close to someone. With Jun he knows he can be honest, he can tell him everything that lies on his mind, he can talk to him about his past – and Jun won’t judge him. Just like Jun can talk to him, anytime, and he won’t judge him either. He can’t believe how lucky he is to have found someone like him. And to his utmost surprise Jun seems to love and admire him too, ready to open up – just for him. He knows Jun would have never let anyone else get that close to him.

“Are you sure?” Masaki asks, pulling Jun’s naked body closer to himself. He feels so warm.

“Never been so sure about something in my entire life,” Jun replies.

“If you feel better we could change positions,” Masaki offers. “I don’t mind.”

“I do,” Jun says. “I need you to be the one doing it, I want to feel you inside me.” He blushes at his own words, and Masaki feels tears burning in his eyes. He wonders if he is even worth Jun’s trust. “Just don’t get cheesy now,” Jun teases. “Think about our cool image! We can’t burst into tears like cry-babies all the time.”

Masaki laughs. It feels weird to laugh after all the things they told each other and after all the things they haven’t talked about yet, but for a moment it feels like they are in a different world, in their world. And there is nothing standing between them. Masaki assumes that there really isn’t much standing between them anymore, but it for sure won’t always be that easy. For now however it is.


“Where the hell is this place?” Nino asks in horror. “There is literally nothing here! Do people really come here?”

Shingo sighs slightly, turning to Takuya. “You know, I understand why we are going to this place with Sho-kun and Satoshi, they are our brothers, but why is it again that these young dudes-“ he points at Nino and Ryo. “-are coming too?”

“Nino-kun is the reason we even know where these two are,” Sho jumps to Nino’s defence immediately. “Besides he is like Masaki’s brother!”

“Ryo-kun needs it for his lungs,” Satoshi huffs at his brother.

Sho secretly rolls his eyes. Satoshi is obsessed with Ryo and his family. He calls him almost every day to ask if he isn’t overworking Ryo and that he should send him home in time. Sho doesn’t know how often he said the words Shut up, Satoshi-kun. He is perfectly well! And how often Ryo grumpily told him to back off. But apparently Satoshi developed some sort of fatherly complex towards Ryo. He just wonders if at one point he will realize that Ryo is pretty hot… And then…  nope, better not think about it.

Shingo throws a glance at Takuya, but the latter just shrugs. “I told you, you are better off not questioning it.”

“So,” Nino interrupts them. “Anyone going to tell me where and what this place here is?”

“There is a convent and a psychiatric hospital there,” Sho explains. He exchanges a glance with Takuya, ignoring the way the others look at them in surprise.

“Jun’s mother lived there for a very short while, apparently together with Jun. It was right before she killed herself,” Takuya says.

“Father told us that she was going crazy and she was basically ruining Jun too, and how he was only in such a horrible mental state back then because of her,” Sho mumbles. “I’m sure he lied about it.”

“Yes,” Takuya agrees. “She probably just wanted to know her child safe. I heard that the nuns hid them for a while actually. But of course he found them.”

“So, he and Masaki went to this place to actually connect with an old memory,” Shingo says all of a sudden.

“I guess,” Takuya answers quietly.


“It’s never going to be that perfect again,” Jun says, almost sounding sad. “I wish we could stay here forever.”

“You don’t want to stay here forever. You love your brothers and your studies, and your life in the city,” Masaki says softly and turns around in their bed to hover over Jun a bit, his thumb brushing over Jun’s cheek. Jun pulls him into a kiss. Holding Jun in his arms felt like a dream come true. To his surprise it was easier than expected. He was scared first that Jun would freak out, that having sex with Masaki will remind him of his bad experiences, but apparently Jun’s faith in him is unshakeable. Jun had focused on his eyes all the time, nothing seemed to have clouded his vision while Masaki carefully made love to him, all the time whispering soft and encouraging words of love. It’s like they broke a curse.

“Yes, maybe you are right,” Jun mumbles against his lips, his tongue teasingly licking over Masaki’s bottom lip.

“It indeed is beautiful here though. We can always return,” Masaki promises softly.

Jun nods, curling up and leaning against Masaki, smiling when Masaki plays with some strands of his hair. “This was wonderful,” he chuckles.

“What?” Masaki teases. “Having sex with me?”


Now Masaki blushes. “I hope I didn’t force anything on you.”

Jun huffs. “Don’t dare to ruin this moment for me or I’m going to kick you out of this bed and you can sleep on the floor for the rest of your life.”

Masaki chuckles. “Sorry,” he says. “What I wanted to say is: That I found it wonderful too and can’t wait to repeat it a thousand times, but I’m scared of doing something you’ll hate and of pressuring you and not reading any signs and-“

“Masaki,” Jun says earnestly. “You cannot force me into having sex with you because I want to have sex with you. In our bath at home it happened too fast and I panicked, and I knew you didn’t know what’s going on, as I was desperately trying to hide this part of my past. And well… today it was different.”

“Promise me you’ll tell me whenever I jump you and you don’t want to, okay?” Masaki snuggles closer, nuzzling his nose into Jun’s hair. “It’s important for me to know that you’ll also watch out for this.”

“I promise,” Jun says, snuggling an arm around Masaki’s neck and brushing through his hair with his fingers. It feels comfortable and warm, and weirdly enough for Masaki it seems that Jun has never been that calm before. It’s a hint of the guy he is probably going to become once he leaves all his issues behind.

For a few hours they are lying next to each other, half-asleep and half-awake, sometimes kissing and touching but mostly just hugging each other. When the clock turns close to 5AM Jun pushes himself up with a deep sigh, and Masaki follows.

“Ready?” Masaki asks, just as determined as Jun to proceed with their original plan.

Jun smiles. “Let’s go.”

A/N: A very Junba focused chapter, but I guess you know why.
So, Masaki told Jun his story. And he and Jun finally got intimate with each other. But what will these two do now?

Tags: genre: au, genre: college, genre: high society, genre: hurt&comfort, genre: romance, l: multi-chapter, p: aiba masaki/matsumoto jun, p: ninomiya kazunari/sakurai sho, r: r, series: me without you
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