lilly0 (lilly0) wrote in yume_to_ame,

Me without you: Chapter 19

Title: Me without you 19/20
Pairing: Junba, Sakumiya, Ohno/?, others possible
Rating: up to R
Genre: AU, romance
Plot: Although they are both young students at college, both the youngest brothers within three, and both part of high society, there are worlds between Jun and Masaki. Jun comes from a rich, traditional and conservative family, while Masaki's family gained wealth and fame by luck. Masaki is cheerful and enjoys life to the fullest. Jun is unusually earnest and distanced. Although part of the same glamorous world, their paths would have never crossed, they would have never even talked, but then Masaki's brothers decide he needs to catch up with his studies, and hire Jun as his tutor. With being so different it seems they will never get closer, until they realize that they both hold a sad secret.
Note: This is dedicated to yukitsubute. I had (and still have) a lot of fun writing this, and I wonder where it takes me to. I can promise you some fluff, some fun and some drama (the usual ^^) There might even be some hurt & comfort.

To my beloved little baby, Jun,

“Did you bring your mother’s letter?” Masaki asks.

Jun nods, his grip tightening around the paper. “I did.”

“Ready to start reading it?”

“No,” Jun answers honestly. “But it doesn’t matter because I know, I’ll never be ready. So, I can just do it now.”


“There are more of you?” the young nun asks in surprise when Takuya tells her their names and why they are here.

Sho’s head perks up immediately. Does this mean… He is at Takuya’s side immediately, shoving him aside. “Is my brother here?” he asks breathlessly, eyes wide in fear.

The young woman looks at them for a while before bowing slightly. “Wait here, please,” she says before she leaves.

Sho’s heart is basically racing. He hopes she will go and look for Jun and Masaki, but to his disappointment, she just comes back together with an older nun. The old woman looks at them in surprise. “You are his brothers?” she asks sceptically.

“So, Jun’s here,” Takuya says, and there is so much open relief on his face that the woman’s eyes light up.

“You don’t have evil intentions, it seems,” she says. “You have to forgive me, but the last time a man came to look for one of them, Jun-chan’s mother killed herself.”

“Can we see him?” Sho asks hastily, basically pushing Takuya aside again. He doesn’t care if he looks pathetic or not, he just wants to know that these two idiots are safe. Right next behind him he can see how Shingo and Satoshi are also pushing to get closer to the two women and to get more information.

“I’m sorry,” the woman looks seriously apologetic. “They left this morning.”

Sho’s face basically falls, as does Shingo’s. Takuya and Satoshi keep it together a little better. “And we are at the beginning again,” Takuya says, obviously trying to sound optimistic. “But maybe we can find out where they went and where to look at next.”

“Oh.” The nun blinks. “I’m sorry, I didn’t articulate myself properly, it seems. The two young men didn’t leave the city. They are just not here right now.”

“What!?” Shingo exclaims in relief. “Where are they then?”

The nun points out of the window. “There,” she says.

Sho follows her finger that points directly at an incredibly huge mountain and… he feels like snorting in amusement. Yes, right, Jun is definitely not the nature type of person. Like he would climb a mountain. “Jun-chan and his friend left to climb the mountain,” she explains to Sho’s horror. “The people here believe it’s a holy place.”

“They…what…” Nino asks in disbelief. “They came here to go on a mountain? How long does it even take?”

“To reach the top, one day,” she explains. “And to come back another day.”

“We need to go after them,” Sho says, immediate resolution filling him. Like he is going to let his innocent helpless little brother climb a freaking mountain for two freaking days! Not to imagine how scared Masaki and Jun probably are.

“No, you don’t,” the nun intervenes firmly and shakes her head. “You’ll wait here for them. It’s a pilgrimage route and we never disturb people that seek for something.”

Takuya looks at her in confusion. “I apologize, but we don’t quite understand.”

The nun smiles patiently. “These two didn’t come her to run away. They came here to face something, the both of them.”

“Masaki too?” Shingo asks, sounding unusually nervous all of a sudden.

“Yes, I always recognize them. People that are desperate and got hurt badly, but are determined to change something. Most of the people here either come to climb the mountain. Or they will visit the hospital to get direct treatment. Your brothers are here to walk on their path to whatever they are looking for, to whatever they want to fight.” She points at the mountain again. “People go up there to be able to face themselves. These two left most of their stuff behind. Just took the most necessary things to climb the mountain.”

“Why didn’t they say something?” Satoshi finally asks quietly. “If this is why they came here, no one of us would have stopped them. There is nothing against trying to find peace and to, I don’t know, do what they need to do.”

Takuya looks at her questioningly. “People here normally tell no one that they are here, am I right?”

“Most of them don’t,” she explains.


“Because their families and beloved will ask questions, and it’s not about explaining things to others, it’s about accepting them yourselves.”

“We would have been in their way,” Takuya states quietly, before he nods. “We’ll wait here. Can we stay here for a night?”

She smiles brightly. “For as many nights as you want.”

“But…” Sho stutters.

“Sho-chan,” Takuya says softly. “Jun needs to do this for himself. He’ll come back.”

“What if he goes up there to jump down from the top?” Sho asks, his voice shivering slightly.

“Yes,” Shingo agrees. “What if they went there to face their problems, but in the end come to the solution to…” he pauses. “To…”

“They won’t,” Takuya urges. “They are not here to kill themselves, they are here to find a way to live happily and into a bright future. You need to trust them. They need to be able to do this, and we need to give them the chance to do this. Let’s not ruin this for them. Because if we do, stop them, we might ruin them and their future.”

Satoshi smiles. “Yes,” he agrees. “I think so too. They came here, stayed a night all casual, they didn’t leave us a note, but they also didn’t clean up every of their steps. It didn’t matter for them what we would find. They aren’t on the run. People on the run are different.”

Sho bites down on his lips. He knows he isn’t the only one worried here, he just wants to run after these two and find his little brother and know him safe, but he also knows that if he did that, Jun would probably not be able to forgive him for it and to actually get over whatever happened. “Is there something to do here?” he asks carefully.

The nun smiles brightly. “We have a bath. A meditation centre. Oh, and there are lots of paths to walk and stroll around in nature. There also is a huge library for those who want to enjoy the calmness.”

“Great,” Nino sighs slightly.

“I’ll be going to the library,” Takuya says much to Sho’s surprise. “Spend a day reading is something I haven’t done in many years.”

“I want to go outside,” Ryo says.

“Meditation for me,” Satoshi muses.

“Bath,” Shingo says with a yawn.

“I want to visit the hospital,” Sho points out. “See the people there and maybe collect some memories about Jun’s mother. She was a kind woman. I always liked her.”

“Seriously?” Nino asks in surprise. “All of you find something fun to do here?”

Sho has to chuckle slightly at Nino’s obvious shock.


In my life, you are my only pride. You are everything I’ve ever longed for and my biggest achievement. You were my light.

Jun and Masaki look at Satoshi’s navigation system before Jun chuckles slightly. “How about we just follow the signs?”

Masaki smiles and put the navigation system aside. “Good idea.”

For a while they walk next to each other without talking. Actually none of them is really used to climbing a mountain, but this here is different. The scenery is amazing, the fresh air, everything is silent, he left his phone at home and Jun his at the convent. “Are you going to tell them?” Masaki finally asks.

“Who? What?”

“Your brothers,” Masaki says but doesn’t specify what he means.

Jun understands of course. “I don’t want to hurt them,” he says quietly. “Previously I thought they might get mad at me or hate me for what happened, but by now I know they wouldn’t. But they would be hurt.” He pauses. “What about you? Are you going to tell them?”

“Same answer.”

I’ve not achieved much in my life and did many mistakes, but you are the only good I was able to make. You are kind and warm, and caring, blessed by a good heart and a strong mind.

“I think in a weird twisted way my mother thought she would protect me when she died. Like my father would forget to be possessive over her and forget about me. But he didn’t. He found us here, and when she died he basically possessed me. When he drank too much, he would sometimes… come to me,”  Jun continues to explain, and Masaki listens, trying not to make any angry sounds, knowing it would only be contra productive. Jun doesn’t want pity, he just wants someone to listen and accept him. “I’m looking like my mother,” Jun explains.

Masaki’s eyes widen in horror. “He…”

“He was really drunk on that evening, and he called her name when he came to me,” Jun says lightly, like he is actually telling some sort of sweet and harmless story.

Masaki isn’t sure how to answer to that, because what the hell can he say? He figures he doesn’t need to say anything though and instead grab Jun’s hand.

No matter what happens or what the future brings, I hope for you to remain this sweet person. I wish for you to achieve all your dreams, to find someone you can love to the fullest, and no matter what happens I want you to remain the person you are. Always honest to yourself, with your beautiful open heart.

“You know,” Masaki points out when he finds himself drowning in sweat from all the walking. It basically took forever to reach the top. “Next time let’s rent a boat and find ourselves in the ocean!”

“Satoshi-kun would kill us,” Jun points out with a chuckle, wrapping his arms around Masaki’s waist from behind.

“I think Sho-san would rather kill us,” Masaki dares to intervene. “First he, then Satoshi will kill us a second time.”

Jun grins and tightens his grip. His hair is sweaty, and little drops of sweat tickle Masaki’s neck. He giggles like crazy. “You idiot, stop using me as your towel.”

“But you are such a nice towel,” Jun argues.

I want you to hold your brothers dear, because they love you and they are good people. No one can choose the family they are born into. The things that happened are not your fault, they never were. And no one who truly loves and respects you will ever say they are.

“Do you think they’ll be mad?” Masaki wants to know. “I mean, they probably already realized we are not there anymore. Satoshi will be so pissed.”

“Satoshi-san can be angry?” Jun asks in interest.

“Majorly angry. I guess like Sho-san.”

“Sho is harmless,” Jun says casually. “Takuya has the worse temper.”

“You are kidding me!? He is always so polite,” Masaki argues.

“Yes, but you better don’t piss him off,” Jun jokes light-heartedly. “We are all graced by this little weakness.”

“Little?” Masaki sneers. Jun chuckles, and they sit down on a few stones, too tired to walk around and enjoy the view from the top of the mountain. “I wished I had a loving mother,” Masaki says after a while.

“Masaki, she was sick, she was sick way before you came to her house,” Jun says softly. “Someone who isn’t sick wouldn’t treat a child like that.”

“I ruined her marriage,” Masaki points out.

“You ruined nothing,” Jun argues. “Someone like you can only heal people. Didn’t you heal Nino? And Kamenashi? And me? You are like sunshine that makes a flower blossom. I don’t know what would have happened if you never came into my life. I would still not be talking to my brothers, I would still live this miserable lonely life, I would probably never have let someone touch me like you did, I would have no one to kiss and hug. It’s all thanks to you.”

Masaki clings to Jun’s neck. “Don’t say such things,” he mumbles. “You are going to make me cry.”

When I close my eyes I see you as a grown-up, as the person you’ll become. If you follow those that provide you with light in your life instead of lingering in the darkness like I did, you’ll be able to find your own happiness. You should be able to love and laugh, and fight, cry, make up. You should dream big and don’t be afraid to fail.

“Come,” Jun says and tugs at Masaki’s hand. “You need to see that.”

“What?” Masaki whines. “Jun, I’m sweaty and ugly and tired and I just want to go to the mountain hut now that we finally reached the top.”

“We need to make a vow,” Jun says dryly. “Whenever you say you are ugly you’ll donate ten dollar. When we collect enough money we’ll travel to Hawaii.”

“TEN Dollar!” Masaki huffs, and hurries after Jun. “Do you even know how much that is? We both know we’ll have the money within a year then.”

Jun turns around, grinning when Masaki bumps into him. “So you admit that you have a problem?”

“Yes, obviously,” Masaki says dryly. “I have you as a boyfriend.”

Jun winks teasingly and ignores him, pulling him along to the edge of the mountain. Masaki is about to complain, when Jun points at the scenery in front of them, the whole land below them is covered by the sunset. A red, orange light, colouring everything in its brightness.

“Wow,” Masaki says in shock. He feels tears burn in his eyes. “This is beautiful.”

“Ready?” Jun asks.

Masaki nods, and swiftly pulls out the diary he kept when he was a child with all those ugly memories inside. He has ripped the pages out of it and left the cover at home. Masaki looks at the pages. “I don’t want to think of my mother now,” he says. “Because I know I can’t forgive her. But I want to think of my father, who was a kind and gentle man. I’m eternally thankful to you, Dad, thanks for giving me a home, although no one else wanted me. Thanks for giving me a future.”

They scrunch the paper and put it on one of the stones, putting the letter from Jun’s mother on top of it. Jun takes the lighter he secretly took from Takuya’s study and puts the paper on flames. He smiles slightly. “Bye mom, I love you. I’ll try to dream big and live my life to the fullest. May you rest in peace.”

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
   So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
   But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
   A heart whose love is innocent.*

I will always love you, Jun.

A/N: Writing this was draining. I hope I got the right feeling across, and I think I've answered all remaining questions (mainly about Jun) From now on Masaki and Jun can walk forward. (we still have on chapter to go of course ^^)

*This is a paragraph from the poem 'She walks in beauty' by Lord Byron
Tags: genre: au, genre: college, genre: high society, genre: hurt&comfort, genre: romance, l: multi-chapter, p: aiba masaki/matsumoto jun, p: ninomiya kazunari/sakurai sho, r: r, series: me without you
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